"Mom (or Dad), I Hate You"

Family illness can be tough on kids, even when the adults -- the parent(s), teachers, coaches, aunts and uncles, family friends -- are doing everything right. If I were to put a magic microphone next to the children's inner voice, you might hear:

"It's not fair that...(I'm the only kid I know with a bald mom; you cancelled my birthday party because Dad is sick)."

"Your illness is embarrassing me because...(you look weird; I have to ask friends for rides to go anywhere; everyone knows what's going on in our house)."

"You are scaring me because...(you might die; you cry and yell sometimes; you are using up all our money; Mom/Dad might quit this family; I might get sick like you)."

"You make me feel guilty when...(I'm having a good time; I don't want to be with you; I feel healthy while you feel sick; I do something that upsets you while you are sick; I want more attention)."

"You are making me feel helpless because I can't...(fix you; take care of the house or the bills; cheer up you or Dad/Mom)."

Kids will express what they are thinking and feeling. The issue becomes how?

If they don't feel safe sharing thoughts and feelings like the examples above, they may "tell" you by regressing to earlier behaviors, failing in school, eating more or less than normal, sleeping more or less than normal, acting out or becoming uncharacteristically withdrawn.

In When a Parent has Cancer, I explain why I believe Healthy Survivors owe it to their children to provide a safe place where children can share whatever they are thinking and feeling.

RAFFLE REMINDER: The names of commentors will be included in the raffle drawing on February 14th for a gift copy of Happiness in a Storm. Thank you to all those people who have already commented.

Comments

[Lori Hope]

You are so right: even when we do everything correctly, illness takes its toll on all of us, patients and families alike. As more than one person has said, it's not just individuals who have cancer, it's their whole family - including their children.

Thank you for your insight and vital information, and reminding us about When a Parent Has Cancer, an important resource that all parents with cancer should know about.

[B]

I think it is also important to remember that "a safe place where children can share whatever they are thinking and feeling" may not always be directly with the parents, teachers, coaches, family friends. I think it is important to give kids some amount of privacy, too, so they can express feelings they may not want to share aloud. For example, kids may write in a journal, sketch in a drawing book or talk to a close friend their own age. I think it is important for kids to know that they have the freedom and privacy to express their feelings healthfully, even if it is not in the same way as someone else’s child.

[Wendy S. Harpham, MD]

Dear B,
This is an excellent comment. But I would like to add a qualifier: if -- and only if -- the child is also communicating with a caring and knowledgeable adult.

With their limited experience, maturity and fund of knowledge, children may find unhealthy solutions that relieve their anxiety or anger in the short run. And I'm not just talking about sex, drugs and alcohol (although these are serious risks for kids who feel their world is spinning out of control due to family illness). Eating disorders may help kids feel in control. Or escape into videogames or other fantasy worlds. At its extreme, kids may decide that suicide is the solution.

So, like you, I believe journaling and confiding in a friend can be life-saving for a child, but if -- and only if -- an adult is also involved in the child's world.

Thanks again for your comment. With hope, Wendy