Owing the Little Ones

Yesterday I used a videoclip to jumpstart a discussion about responsibilities. When the grown son in the clip was only 3 years old, the father took what could have been an ugly scene and turned it into a moment rich with his expression of reassuring love for his son. 

For parents dealing with health issues, the needs of their young children can feel burdensome. Parents may feel they don't have the time or energy to respond to their children's everyday messes and interminable questions gently and lovingly, as described in the father's diary.

A few mantras that may help:

• Your children are learning from all they see and hear in your home, whether you want them to or not. (What lessons do you want them to learn?)
• You are obligated to ensure your children's basic needs are met, not to meet them all yourself. (Who can help you meet your children's needs?)

• Your children need to understand what is happening in their world. (Do you know what is happening in their world?)

• Children can live with uncertainty, as long as they feel secure they will be cared for, no matter what happens. (Have you reassured them of this lately?)

For years I've been saying, "The greatest gift we can give our children is not protection from the world, but the confidence and tools to cope and grow with all that life has to offer." Clearly this giving is more than a gift: it is an obligation.  

Comments

[Kairol Rosenthal]

I dated a guy who was divorced with two kids. He dumped me because he thought cancer would be a completely unfair and horrific thing to bring into a child's life. True. A part of me completely understood his protective feelings. Another part of me, holding back tears, feeling like a defective unit, wanted to blurt out every point you have just made above, though I had no words to say it. What brilliant, important information you have distilled into four bullet points.

[Wendy S. Harpham, MD]

From his point of view, he might have said, "Yes, I know life is uncertain. I could marry someone who is 21 years old and in perfect health, and then she could end up dying from some illness or injury while Kairol keeps plugging along. BUT, with Kairol the statistics would be worse. If Kairol got sick or died, I'd feel like I chose the painful situation for our family (as opposed to feeling unlucky--that it is not my fault--if my young, healthy bride died).

This line of conversation hurls us into deeply philosophical questions about love and meaning, doesn't it? As we've discussed in earlier posts, the unwanted illness experience can lead to insights and strengths that add indescribable richness to life.

Healthy Survivors find ways to feel "whole" despite others' misperception of them as "damaged goods." With hope, Wendy