Denied Closure

Scott's Denial, an essay by Tara B. Gibson, revolves around the question, "What are a caregiver's obligations to a dying patient who wants to stay in denial to the end?"

Five months after her husband's funeral, Gibson describes anger at him for leaving her financially unprepared. And for burdening her with the task of communicating his thoughts and feelings to their two young children without the guidance he could have provided before he died. Gibson's grief is complicated by having never said good-bye to the love of her life.

Healthy Survivors do whatever they have to do to (1) get good care and (2) live as fully as possible. For some individuals, like Scott, this means denying that they might be -- or are -- dying. 

Gibson explains, "Early on, Scott looked through my teary eyes and said, 'I know you know, but don’t tell me.' And thus the denial began." She does not say what was done, if anything, in the months before her husband's death to help her and her children deal with his denial.

If a loved one is in denial about being terminally ill, you can:

• keep looking for windows of opportunity to begin the discussion. It may take 5, 10 or more tries.
• try opening the discussion by focusing on your needs, e.g., "I know you don't want to talk about this, but I need  to ask some questions about the house and our children that only you can answer."
• reassure your loved one that once your questions are answered, you won't talk about it again (unless your loved one wants to, of course).
• discuss your dilemma with your loved one's doctors, nurses or a social worker, counselor, close friend or trusted clergyperson.

When the needs of Healthy Survivors clash with those of their loved ones, everyone's needs must be addressed over time. Sometimes it takes the guidance and support of professionals to make this happen.

Comments

[weiphoto]

I find your comments helpful on an extremely difficult topic. Not everything ends like it should, but hope must be offered as much as possible. Are there more references on this topic?