Words that Hurt and Heal

Words can bring Healthy Survivors together or tear us apart. One person posted on a listserv a short piece of writing that touched her deeply. While some readers then posted thanks, others criticized the prose as offensive.

Healthy Survivors keep in mind that metaphors, stories and phrases can help many people, even when the words mean something vastly different from one person to the next.

On regular basis, people say things that are not at all helpful to me. For example, I have never called my cancer "a gift." But I appreciate and respect that for many others this notion is comforting and inspiring -- i.e., for them, calling illness "a gift" feels right.

If people say things that are indisputably wrong -- especially if dangerous -- depending on the situation and people involved, I might offer a correction (as diplomatically and respectfully as possible, either in the group setting or privately).

Sometimes what is being said is not correct or incorrect, but it is still upsetting to others. Again depending on the situation and people involved, I might mention that what they are saying can create problems for people who don't share their outlook or beliefs or whatever. Or I might mention to those who are upset that they can accept or reject whatever best helps them, knowing that each person takes a unique path to Healthy Survivorship.

Comments

[Roz]

So true.
Realizing that even the best intentioned (including yours truly) can offend or hurt, especially in emails where one's intentions and meanings are sometimes not as obvious, I tell my friends recently diagnosed with cancer to feel free to delete anything I send that, for whatever reason, they do not want to read. It does not completely solve the problem but they know that my intentions are good and loving.

[Wendy S. Harpham, MD]

Dear Roz,
Thanks for sharing your method of trying to minimize unintended pain to others. I, too, preface any comments by saying they can and should use in whatever way is helpful to them, INCLUDING IGNORING OR DELETING.

The only thing I'd add is that I repeat this preface periodically throughout our relationship, i.e., "As always, please use in whatever way is helpful, including ignoring or deleting."

After a while, many will conclude their question or their description of the challenge they are struggling with now, "And don't worry, Wendy. I know I can use whatever you say in whatever way helps me."

With hope, Wendy