Vilomah, anyone?

Karla FC Halloway, a professor of English at Duke University, wrote an essay for this Memorial Day that gives us food for thought. What do you call someone who lost a child?

We have "widow" and "widower." We have "orphan." But what do you call someone who lost a child? Considered by many to be The Worst Loss, losing a child triggers a grief and recovery that are different than that which follows the loss of a parent, distant relative or friend. 

Holloway shares the story of her search for a label appropriate to the task. She never liked the word "widow," taken from the Sanskrit for "empty," because "empty" does not capture the hole that hurts more than any knife or tumor, or the vibrant struggle to remember a voice.

So this English professor searched and searched, eventually coming back around to Sanskrit, which offered her "vilomah."

"Vilomah" means "against natural order," as in the Chinese saying that goes something like "The gray-haired should not bury the black-haired." 

Why does it matter? Why forge a new label?

Because losing a child is nothing like losing a parent, no matter how painful both losses may be. Because a name gives us some power over it. Because providing a label helps others appreciate a parent's pain and respond appropriately.

With the power of words, vilomah can help the healing.

Comments

[Kairol Rosenthal]

One of the worst parts of being diagnosed with cancer at age 27 was having to pick up the phone and tell my parents. It is not the natural order of things. They would have traded places with me in a heartbeat.

Kairol
Blog: Everythingchangesbook.com

[Dennis Pyritz, RN]

Great blog! I am an oncology nurse and leukemia, transplant survivor. I have added you to my blogroll - Cancer Blog Links at www.beingcancer.net
Take care, Dennis

[Wendy S. Harpham, M.D.]

Dear Dennis,
Welcome!
I'll look forward to your comments from your unusual and useful perspective.

And Thanks.I'll check out your blog.

With hope, Wendy

[Donna Muller]

So Holloway coined the term Vilomah?
I also feel a separate term is needed for this terrible loss, which is different than any other.
Donna