If Kennedy Didn't "Lose," Then What?

Each Healthy Survivor forges and follows his or her unique path to getting good care and living as fully as possible. A war-like stance helps some  survivors --  not all -- summon the courage needed to live with illness. 

 

For those patients who don't like the battle imagery, forcing it on them chips away at the freedom to define themselves. Judy Foreman describes this in her essay  "Time to Give Up the 'Fighting' Metaphor".

 

Even worse, Healthy Survivors can't refute what is being said after they die. 

 

So, if not "lost the battle," what can we say after the death of  someone from illness? What can we say that honors their Healthy Survivorship?

Mr. Foster (a commentor on my last post) explains, "My death, by whatever the cause, will only mark the closing of a chapter. I will not have 'lost' anything. In fact, my Christian faith tells me I will ‘win’ the greatest gift of all."

I, too, embrace this notion of the "closing" of a chapter and take comfort thinking of death as the "completion" of a journey. What helps me most, though, is a traditional Jewish phrase: May his (or her) memory be a blessing. Our memories serve as living legacies to those who die before us. Whether that legacy is good or bad is determined by more than the deeds and character of the deceased, as I'll explain in my next post.

Comments

[Jen]

Your post makes me smile. I've watched three grandparents face cancer front on - one with the same crummy brain cancer Ted Kennedy had - and my mom is a survivor. From it all, I've certainly learned a lot about life. I couldn't agree with your thoughts more. Keep the faith and count your blessings each and every day!!

[Kairol Rosenthal]

I too am not a lover of the battle image. I interviewed a great guy for my book (Everything Changes: The Insider's Guide to Cancer in Your 20s and 30s). His name is Rick Gribenas and he died this year of lymphoma in his early 30s. Instead of a war metaphor, he used a work metaphor. Cancer was his second job, when he was in remission it was more like a part-time job. When he was doing treatment he looked at chemo trips as punching the clock. I like his imagery.

Kairol
blog http://everythingchangesbook.com/

[Lori Hope]

Thanks for this series, Wendy. When a deeply spiritual, positive, and determined local media celebrity died of breast cancer, what others published and broadcast about her broke my heart.

They said she "succumbed" to cancer. So, not only did she "lose the battle", but she also gave up.

Not so. Not even close. I wrote a public radio commentary about this and only hope those who needed to hear it did.

The language and metaphors we use to describe our and others' situations is critically important. I recently read that Lance Armstrong changed oncologists when the first one he saw spoke of battling cancer, using various war metaphors. Lance chose an oncologist who described cancer as a healing journey.

L'Chaim.

Lori

[Richard Frank, MD]

From my perspective as a medical oncologist, I think the article by Judy Foreman is right on target and I competely understand where she is coming from. But the issue is not black and white. As Dr. Harpham has pointed out, some individuals need the fight mentality to bolster their spirit through a confusing and frightening disease; others do not.

The fight mentality is often employed when a person is first diagnosed with cancer, when they are striving to understand what they are up against and how best to attack it; once treatment is underway and the cancer responding (hopeully), the focus returns to living and getting back to one's normal routine (if possible and often with adjustments).

With regard to the role of the oncologist in this fight, it is our job to fight hard for each of our patients. We must fight to help them obtain the very best treatments, minimize side effects and cope with the heavy psychological impact of the disease. All the while, we must be honest, inspire confidence and confer realistic hope. But it is not our job to tell cancer patients to "fight, fight, fight." Our job is to help them live and live well and if this becomes impossible because of the cancer, it is our responsibility to transition the patient and their family to the eventual reality of death. None of this is easy. What is clear, however, is that the burden to cure cancer is on physicians and researchers, not patients. When a disease cannot be cured, it is a failure of modern medicine, not a failure of the patient in any sense.

One last problem with the "fight" mentality. If a patient is made to feel that he/she must be "strong" in the presence of their oncologist, they may not communicate the side effects they are experiencing from treatment, for fear of being "weak." This only leads to worse outcomes.

[Wendy S. Harpham, MD]

Dear Dr. Frank,
It is very helpful to hear your perspective as a practicing oncologist, especially regarding the role of "cheerleader."

I appreciate your pointing out this unintended negative consequence of physicians encouraging their patients to "be strong": Patients try to hide weaknesses and problems.

We all have our roles. Understanding the range of responsibilities of each player helps everyone.

With hope, Wendy