The Waiting

In a NYTimes essay titled The Waiting, David Rakoff writes about the waiting patients are forced to endure.

A few excerpts:

[A]fter close to three years into my current illness...I try not to invest too much importance in the casual words of others, mostly to let them off the hook....

...[C]aregivers seem trained to keep their language and voices neutral, for just this reason: it's an unfair burden on them when so many of us who are sick are looking for signs or unstated reasons to hope during the waiting. (my emphasis)...

...The doctors and nurses in my life don’t prolong the anticipation with pleasantries...With so much muddy logic crowding out reason, it’s best when news, good or bad, is delivered quickly and clearly... 

...We like to think that the empathy broadcast...is an evolutionary comfort; something we are programmed to welcome and offer freely ourselves. As a comment on something that has already happened, it probably works. But as an anticipatory tool, it does not soften the blow, indeed it does the opposite.

 

As Healthy Survivors, while you are waiting

• Let those who are close to you know what helps.
• Recognize that what helps you one time may not help the same way another time.
• Find mantras that work for you. 
• Blow it off, if others say irritating things.  

As a Healthy Survivor, I have never liked the concept of "wait and see," whether we're talking about waiting for test results or to see if my lymphoma recurs. What a waste of time!

Instead of "wait and see," try "live and see." 

Comments

[Jan Hasak]

I love that expression, "live and see." It expresses how I have lived my life after two bouts with breast cancer. Thank you as always for your insights. Jan

[Marcy]

Dr. Harpham,

Again, thank you for putting into words thoughts I ponder but have difficulty processing. Your list of tips is helpful. In my case (5-year CLL patient, stage 0, no treatment) the hardest part for me is to "watch & wait", or watchful waiting. I feel like a sitting duck, waiting for my storm to hit. I so wish there were different terminology for those of us who don't require treatment right away.

Thankfully, I have found ways to use this time to be productive. But I do long for more positive terms to define those who are fortunate enough not to need treatment. "Live and see" sounds much better.

[Jonnie Hickman]

Thank you doctor Wendy. In my average sized town in Indiana we were going to provide a cancer drop-in center which would give the survivor and the caregiver some respite. We were going to hold support groups there and I pointed out that our caregivers need as much TLC, education, rest as we do. It's funny that you wrote about empathy. My therapist and I are working to define who has empathy in my life and who doesn't have it. My goal with this therapist is to find moments of Shalom each day, make peace with my derisions and embrace the people who are around.

I continue to see myself in the nurse role when dealing with my cancer. That is sometimes good and sometimes bad. I can't help but wonder if anyone else has moments when they see themselves in the mirror think, Oh no, it's me who is sick. Unless I am having obvious signs that needs attention, I don't realize it. I make plans that I know are too big...just like when I didn't know about the cancer.

Next weekend, I am once again going to an adult cancer camp. My best friend is actively dying. I don't want to go without her. She made me promise last fall that I would stay alive until Spring camp. Guess I should have made her promise too. I didn't mean to fall in love with this lady. And I wonder how many people have said that about me? "Don't get too attached to Jonnie she has cancer,"

[Margaret Evans]

Most beautiful explanation of death I've ever heard.

~DEATH~
WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO EXPLAIN IT ..

A sick man turned to his doctor as he was preparing to

Leave the examination room and said,

'Doctor, I am afraid to die.

Tell me what lies on the other side.'

Very quietly, the doctor said, 'I don't know..'

'You don't know? You're, a Christian man,

and don't know what's on the other side?'

The doctor was holding the handle of the door;

On the other side came a sound of scratching and whining,

And as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room

And leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.

Turning to the patient, the doctor said,

'Did you notice my dog?

He's never been in this room before.

He didn't know what was inside.

He knew nothing except that his master was here,

And when the door opened, he sprang in without fear.

I know little of what is on the other side of death,

But I do know one thing...

I know my Master is there and that is enough.'

May you have be peace within you.

May you trust God that you are exactly

Where you are meant to be.

I believe that friends are quiet angels

Who lift us to our feet when our wings

Have trouble remembering how to fly.

Have a wonderful day
my dear friend !!!!!

I think this is one of the most beautiful ways to speak about heaven I have ever seen and thought you would enjoy it. I couldn't find your email address to send it directly which I am happy to do if you can send it to me. The one I have also has a couple of beautiful pictures but they disappeared when I pasted it.

Warmly
Marg