Too Many Lessons?

As soon as I learn something that might help someone else, I want to share it and spare as many people as I can from learning lessons the hard way. Can my advice be too much?

As discussed in When a Parent has Cancer, my approach to helping my children has been to tell the truth and offer advice. More than occasionally a friend or family member would say, "You tell the kids too much. You can't teach lessons they need to learn on their own."

I agree, but only with the last sentence because:

• Sharing insights or advice that took me years to discover or develop may spare them unnecessary pain, inconvenience and grief.
• People only hear what they are ready to hear.
• I preface my comments with a request, "May I share an insight (or tip) that helped me?"
• My comments may prompt them to look at their challenges in new ways that lead them to answers -- different insights and tips -- that work for them.
• They may reject my advice, but store it in the recesses of their mind. Later they may remember it -- possibly subconsciously -- and benefit.

In general, I believe it is better to err on the side of sharing too much than too little. For safekeeping, at the beginning I say,

"I want to only help. Please tell me if something I am saying or doing is not helping you. My feelings will never be hurt."

Periodically thereafter I say, "I need reassurance that nothing I'm saying is causing you any distress. I trust you to tell me if I am ever doing or saying anything that is not helpful."

Comments

[Felicity Lenes]

As a close friend of one of your wonderful children, I can say that not only has she adopted this technique, to the great benefit of those around her, but she is also wise beyond her years -- probably from the kernels of wisdom you have shared throughout her life:-)

[Kirk]

How great to see advice and the consequences in your post and the comment by Felicity. Congratulations !

For the reasons you identify, your introductory phrases are about to become part of life topic discussions with my 13 and 15 year old daughters.

Kirk

[Debby]

Hi Wendy ~ Excellent reasoning and well said about the state of "readiness" for each person listening to your comments or advice. In one ear and out the other, could easily happen when someone simply isn't ready to take in the message being given.

On the other hand, if the message is not imparted then there is not an opportunity to learn from someone older, wiser and more experienced.

On the third hand~ many people learn through experience, which includes making mistakes in order to pick themselves up, brush themselves off and turn in a new direction to find the correct path in life.

Blessings, Debby

[Jonnie Hickman]

Hello... I have the problem of sharing too much advice, too. Cancer has opened my eyes to many things and sometimes I want to shout out to healthy people... LIVE! Darn-it! LIVE!

Some of the things I have learned I have tried to teach my son and it falls on deaf ears, but I see him growing into a man now. Occasionally I hear him repeat the things I have preached to him over and over to his friends.

The nurses I worked with in hospice, walk beside me in my fight and I see their growth not only as friends but in their caring abilities as nurses. I don't take credit for the changes, but I know deep inside that in ways I have helped them.

At the beginning of my fight, I worked under an amazingly caring physician, a teacher, doing a good job helping people die in a way that was his calling, but he had another practice and he was a healer. Some of his comments in our care team meetings were actions of wanting to protect the patients.

One time a patient wanted to go to a gambling boat. She had done this before. Every time she would do this, she would have a decline and crisis. This medicine man for some reason didn't want her to go. I disagreed with him and said, "She is dying, let her go."

This doctor has walked beside me as a friend even after I left my job. I share with him, so maybe he can have a better feel. I don't think that anyone truly understands, though, until they hear the words. Sometimes, I share too much. He has helped me spiritually, too.

I think we teach each other no matter what the situation and we need to share our wisdom with each other. Thank you.

[Wendy S. Harpham, M.D.]

Dear Jonnie,

To minimize the chance of my saying too much, I often tell friends and family, "I trust you to tell me if I'm saying too much. I don't have the energy to try to figure it out, so please just tell me."

I can't find it right now, but on a much earlier post I agree with you on this idea that we teach others with how we live our life, whether we intend to or not. Knowing we have this power to our last sentient moment can give us courage we didn't know we have.

With hope, Wendy