When Losing a Loved One Leaves a Hole

After losing a loved one, you might feel that you've been left with a huge hole in your life. The "hole" houses your sadness, loneliness and emptiness along with other painful thoughts and feelings.

Naturally, many people try to get rid of the hole, say, by trying to fill in the hole or trying to run away from the hole. Not me.

Wise mentors taught me to keep the hole in sight, using it in beautiful ways.

For a moment, imagine a splotch on a canvas. It looks ugly. If you now paint a picture, incorporating the splotch as an essential feature, you can end up with something beautiful that depends on the splotch for completeness. Just think of the orb of a Van Gogh setting sun or the charcoal eye of a Degas dancer. 

Grief is the process by which we adjust to life without a special love and transform the hole from a source of pain to one of joy. 

Be forewarned: The "missing" part of life after loss still aches -- it always will. But with time and effort, the pain of remembering can be outweighed by the joys. Memories of a loved one's strength can stir fortitude, of wisdom can provide needed guidance, and of humor can bring comic relief.

And what if a death seems to have come too soon? I share my thoughts in "Patent Pending: The Measure of a Life," which you can read by clicking here.

Comments

[Tyra]

Our family's hole, created by Steve's death, has become a fixture. Some days the edges are slightly smooth; others they are as jagged as the first day. I'm learning every day how to adjust.

[Zinda Fuller]

Thank you, Wendy, for this refreshing perspective as we approach the second anniversary of Margaret's death. Some days I feel she is with me each and every moment. Two years ago today she had her surgery.
You loved her well and she knew it.

[Margaret Evans R.N., B.S.N., C.P.C.C.]

Your writing and insights are so wonderful. I am a nurse and a coach and I often forward your articles to my clients. You do such a wonderful job of taking your own gifts and life experiences to give hope to others. The article on Patent Pending: The Measure of a Life" is so well written. Thanks so much again.

[Wendy S. Harpham, M.D.]

Dear Margaret,
Thank you so, so much for letting me know. And thank you for giving the blog posts "legs" to reach people who might benefit.
With gratitude and hope,